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[02 Jan 2005|12:40am]
Get with the times, people.

ADD ___mush
DELETE xotatithehottie

8   comment

[30 Dec 2004|01:21am]
I don't like the shitty things I've said in here. Time for a fresh start-I made a new journal:


Add it. I'll add you back.
12   comment

Byie; [29 Oct 2004|09:30pm]
because you don't comment or you don't update.
For now, there is no reason the following people are on my friends list:


If you reallyreallyactually want to read my journal-comment.
31   comment

found another tumor [23 Jun 2004|09:58pm]
I woke up to a cold, dark house this morning. My mom said 'good morning' without looking me in the eyes. I thought that was a little weird, but I stumbled down the stairs to go online and all of the lights were off in the house and my brother and sister were downstairs with none of the entertainment services (computer/tv) on. I thought, okay, why is everyone being fake, something is wrong, they were down here talking together before I woke up. I sat down in the chair, logged onto my desktop, and they all came walking towards me and I began to sob.

'What is it now? Where is it, dad, just say it. It's my brain isn't it. It's in my brain. God, what did I do!?' I disappointedly said with a sorrowful demeanor.

My dad explained to me that it was tiny and that it was the same thing as my spine, that it wasn't malignant and that I was going to be just fine. My sister was in insane tears by that moment and my brother was choking them back. My father, of course, was crying, and it isn't even a question that my mom was, but I think it's hardest on her than anyone. She makes the appointments, she says 'my daughter has a brain tumor and a spine tumor and we need to see the doctor immediately' without crying, she's the strong one.

After crying for a while and internally beating myself up for making everyone else cry and growing this stupid tumor these stupid tumors, we packed into the car and drove to the best of the best neurosurgeons on the west coast and walked into his office to see if he'd give us 5 minutes of his time to review my MRI scans. He (god bless) went all out and had a meeting with us, has taken on my case, and seems to be a wonderful wonderful man. In any case, he ordered me to go on my vacation and rest and prepare myself for the surgery. I have to get blood taken out for a genetics test and those little acupuncture needles in my head to track my brain waves to make sure they're working correctly.

Some of you might laugh at this and say 'hah, that's what she gets for being so mean' and blame it on Karma. You may be right, but you don't know me in person. You don't know my heart. There is no real reason, medically, for my sickness, and I'm starting to be okay with that. I'm starting to get really numb toward the news. This just might be the rest of my life.

One mentionable moment, though, is this woman that was listening in to me crying after my doctors appt (because I hold it in til I get out of there) and my dad was telling me about why it was such a blessing that I have it where it is and she interrupted and said (while smiling and giggling) 'you are going to be fine, my husband here and I just drove from Bakersfield to get his 5th (out of 7) tumors out of his brain, and his are malignant. He had the last one taken out on a friday and was in work on Monday, that's how wonderful these doctors are, you will be painless, he didn't even take an advil! I promise you honey, you'll be fine, look us up, Doctor Anderson in Bakersfield! and she went in to meet the doctors with her husband. The doctor didn't even make me feel as good as this woman, thank God for her.

You take your blessings wherever you can find them in this situation. It could be cancerous, it could make me immobile, deaf, blind, numb, or just kill me. Hell, I'm happy that I go to the restroom when I WANT TO and not have random surprises left in my pants, because that's an effect too.

The doctors say if I had my pick at all of the tumors, this is definitely what I would pick. It couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Again, thank you for all of your prayers and wishful thoughts. I love you.
28   comment

I owe you an explaination. [03 Jun 2004|01:16am]
When a phrase like 'Tatiana [insert term of endearment here], you have a tumor' is said to you, sheer terror is not even a proper way to describe what goes through your head. I went in for my MRI at 7:30 this morning, I got into the casket of hammering and half way through they pulled me out to tell me that I needed to get an IV in so that they could inject me with dye so they could see my nerves better. Very funny, I thought. My mom had to have been playing a joke on me since I'm terrified of needles and I HATE IVS damnit. So, I tell the nurselady that had no sense of humor at this moment that she had to be joking and that she could walk her little butt out of here because there was no way I was getting an IV. I didnt do anything, why do I have to get STABBED?! Anyway, they do the IV and I took it like a big girl, they stuck me back in that stupid hammering casket and did another 5 mins. Afterwards, I got dressed (on the way to the changing room my bra fell out of my stack of clothes and I didn't realize until I got in there and ran out there in my panties and my pregnant lady shirt all embarassed HAHA) I sat down next to Selena and realized they had taken my parents back without me knowing, I vaguely remember Selena telling me she thought something was really wrong, because why would they not wait for me? I shrugged it off because I'm 19 and immortal, right? Wrong. My dad came out and I saw a flash of his and my moms face from the corner of my eye and they were both crying. I walked through the double doors and my dad just shakes his head and tells me I have a tumor. I backed up into the wall and screamed 'what?!!!!' over and over as if it'd make anything better. The only way I can describe that horrifying emotion is, well, forget it, it's indescribable. I felt like I could escape it. Like it's right behind me and I could grab my parents and run away and it'd never get me but it was too late. So much for having a death sentence thrown in my face. I'm pretty loud when I'm happy, you can imagine how loud I get when I'm hurt and confused, everyone from the rooms heard me and came out to see who was screaming and they stuck me in some room to calm me down. My dad said he wouldn't have told me if it was that serious, but what the hell does that really mean? Why would he say 'it's bad oh well you're going to die' anyway? He wouldn't, so naturally, I don't believe him and keep saying RIGHT OKAY YEAH IM GOING TO BE OKAY UH HUH I HAVE A FREAKING TUMOR WHAT THE HELL!#)@%&@_. My dad drew a picture on my post-it note that I think I left at the office, he hugged Selena and said 'see, this is my living proof, don't worry' It's weird the way Selana and I are... soul sisters. We're both here for a reason and I can't help but think she was put here more for me than I was for her. I am so blessed and lucky to have anyone like her in my life, I just got the full deal. [thanks jeevis] . Since then I've walked a little slower, breathed a little deeper, and smiled every chance I've gotten. I think I'll continue on doing so, so long as I have my family.

We're still doing testing, two neurologists say I should leave it alone but we'll monitor it for a year. I still want it OUT, but I'm assuming the surgery is a lot more damaging than the growth itself is. Sure it hurts my hip, but I like walking, so I don't think I'll be doing that any time soon, unless instructed so. Thank God my mom works in a hospital and knows everyone needed, Thank God.

ps. We're not going to Florida. My mom took a leave of absence from work right away and my dad called off all of the realtors and the house is no longer for sale. Confirmation, people, The Cvetko house is here to stay. It's kind of funny how I pray for anything to happen, anything I seriously say in my prayers 'God, I don't care what happens, make it big enough for us to stay' and here we are, with a serious problem and STAYING. Hopefully I didn't do myself in too far. He's looking out for me, it'll be fine.
35   comment

[06 May 2004|11:45pm]
real estate lady comes tomorrow.
3   comment

[06 May 2004|12:26pm]

When all else fails, change your hair. =D
17   comment

DURNN!!! [05 Mar 2003|05:09pm]

This journal is FRIENDS ONLY, sorry bub. You know the deal, comment.

Don't bother if you tYpE LyKe Di5 n iSh, aIiIiIiIiTeE?
Proper grammar will be spoken in my journal, thank you.

Fair warning, I post a ton of pictures.
138   comment

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