I woke up to a cold, dark house this morning. My mom said 'good morning' without looking me in the eyes. I thought that was a little weird, but I stumbled down the stairs to go online and all of the lights were off in the house and my brother and sister were downstairs with none of the entertainment services (computer/tv) on. I thought, okay, why is everyone being fake, something is wrong, they were down here talking together before I woke up. I sat down in the chair, logged onto my desktop, and they all came walking towards me and I began to sob.
'What is it now? Where is it, dad, just say it. It's my brain isn't it. It's in my brain. God, what did I do!?' I disappointedly said with a sorrowful demeanor.
My dad explained to me that it was tiny and that it was the same thing as my spine, that it wasn't malignant and that I was going to be just fine. My sister was in insane tears by that moment and my brother was choking them back. My father, of course, was crying, and it isn't even a question that my mom was, but I think it's hardest on her than anyone. She makes the appointments, she says 'my daughter has a brain tumor and a spine tumor and we need to see the doctor immediately' without crying, she's the strong one.
After crying for a while and internally beating myself up for making everyone else cry and growing
this stupid tumor these stupid tumors, we packed into the car and drove to the best of the best neurosurgeons on the west coast and walked into his office to see if he'd give us 5 minutes of his time to review my MRI scans. He (god bless) went all out and had a meeting with us, has taken on my case, and seems to be a wonderful wonderful man. In any case, he ordered me to go on my vacation and rest and prepare myself for the surgery. I have to get blood taken out for a genetics test and those little acupuncture needles in my head to track my brain waves to make sure they're working correctly.
Some of you might laugh at this and say 'hah, that's what she gets for being so mean' and blame it on Karma. You may be right, but you don't know me in person. You don't know my heart. There is no real reason, medically, for my sickness, and I'm starting to be okay with that. I'm starting to get really numb toward the news. This just might be the rest of my life.
One mentionable moment, though, is this woman that was listening in to me crying after my doctors appt (because I hold it in til I get out of there) and my dad was telling me about why it was such a blessing that I have it where it is and she interrupted and said (while smiling and giggling) 'you are going to be fine, my husband here and I just drove from Bakersfield to get his 5th (out of 7) tumors out of his brain, and his are malignant. He had the last one taken out on a friday and was in work on Monday, that's how wonderful these doctors are, you will be painless, he didn't even take an advil! I promise you honey, you'll be fine, look us up, Doctor Anderson in Bakersfield! and she went in to meet the doctors with her husband. The doctor didn't even make me feel as good as this woman, thank God for her.
You take your blessings wherever you can find them in this situation. It could be cancerous, it could make me immobile, deaf, blind, numb, or just kill me. Hell, I'm happy that I go to the restroom when I WANT TO and not have random surprises left in my pants, because that's an effect too.
The doctors say if I had my pick at all of the tumors, this is definitely what I would pick. It couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Again, thank you for all of your prayers and wishful thoughts. I love you.